Empathy --Magical? Practical? or Both?

In the circles of Nonviolent Communication, we talk about empathy often.  We share that it is a way to connect to the feelings and needs of another.  We teach that we can help others connect to their own feelings and needs when struggling to do so.  Self-empathy is important too. Helping individuals to connect with their own feelings and needs rather than leaving people more connected to the story they are telling themselves.  Typically following that up by trying to convince another person to believe their story as well.  This leads to confusion, disagreement, frustration and often more distance.

Empathy is magical.  The experience of being seen and heard for what is truly important to us offers us solace and calm that almost nothing else does --especially when talking about relationships.  Most of us have been starved for this simple kind of attention that it takes a minute to even recognize when it happens.  We are braced for something else.

Empathy can be quite a robust listening session.  Navigating hurt feelings and dropping out of blaming and shaming, finding fault, either with others or ourselves (guilt).  If you’ve had struggles with another for quite a bit of time, the extended empathy sessions could be just what’s needed.  Often, this is the case, and what we think of when talking about empathy.  Empathy can also be a simple question, a ten second communicating of curiosity.  Here’s an example that I experienced recently. 

I was talking with a friend on the phone.  We were chatting for a bit when I shared with her that I absolutely loved the chair I was sitting in.  I was remembering that it was a gift from my parents, who I missed (as they passed years ago).  I had it upholstered and still loved the new fabric and simply enough, it was very comfortable.  It rocked and cradled me in a way that no other chair here does.  I don’t sit in it so often that these things were quite alive for me. The response I got from my friend was enthusiastic.  “I love my chair too!”  She went on for a bit about her chair.  I had such a longing to talk about my chair, even so I could say what I just offered here about my chair, before moving on to talking about her chair, and was not offered to me.  Her listening and her response brought the attention on to her, rather than staying with me, even for just a moment.  This was a week ago, and I’m still missing that connection --that simple offering of empathy.  I longed for her to say, “What do you love about your chair?” It was an opportunity missed for my needs for connection, care, to matter to be met.   Certainly, I could have and would coach clients to consider speaking up.  Ask for the listening.  I chose not to because I was fairly certain that bringing it up, no matter how inviting, would be received as criticism and I didn’t want to navigate that into our conversation.

“The most precious gift you can give someone is the gift of your time and attention” is a quote from Nicky Gumbel.  I think it’s true.  There is something so sweet, so meaningful, and so comforting when we have someone who offers us their attention and listening, and wants to spend time with us.  I value so much when I reach out to a friend for support or simply experience of friendship and companionship.  Given that we are pack animals and literally feel safe when we have built a tribe of sorts to navigate life with, these gatherings of one or more is essential to our wellbeing.  Grabbing a cup of tea, a walk in the garden, going out to do errands together, coworking in a coffee shop, or going to an event of some sort that we are both interested in is fun --and necessary to a happy life. I find it even more connecting when the conversation is slow and curious, and invites me into it.  Sitting in a meeting, or a circle, where we have a shared reality meets these belonging needs as well.  This is why a sense of true community is something that most long for.

I’m leading up to the ‘lonely feeling’ that so many speak of lately.  I wonder if it is because we have lost the capacity to be with each other and truly listen.  Our communication has morphed into a series of sentences that might be related, yet bring our attention to us, rather than rest a minute with the other.  There are many practices and ways to connect with our friends and family and colleagues that are wonderful, yet not empathy.  You can find (and download) a worksheet with a long list of what those are on my website.  Empathy is a true gift that offers a sense of security and connection that the others might not.

I hope this reminds you of how simple empathy can be.  In all cases, from longer with many challenges to stay connected, to the simple ‘tell me more’, the better our listening, and staying with each other, pausing before we bring the attention to back ourselves, makes for a deep experience of being seen and heard with and for each other.  Whether you experience the loneliness I spoke of, or your people experience it, I believe empathy --this quality of deep listening, will be the salve.